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FROM: http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,976514,00.html
HANS OFF THE U.N.
John O'Farrell
Friday June 13, 2003
Hans Blix never planned
to be a UN weapons inspector. But when he filled out one of those multiple-choice
questionnaires at school, ticking all his interests and qualifications,
that's just what came out of the computer.
His sister got "nurse", his brother got "engine driver"
and Hans got "UN weapons inspector".
That'll teach him to tick all the boxes at random as a joke.
Blix is stepping down
from his controversial post at the UN but, just before he packs away
his souvenir Baghdad shaky snow scene, he has broken with the usual
niceties of diplomatic language to attack the US administration.
Claiming that he
was smeared by "bastards" within the Pentagon,
he added that there are hawks within the Bush
regime who would like to see the UN "sink into the East River".
"I believe that
there were consistent efforts to undermine me," he told reporters,
as Donald Rumsfeld stood behind him tapping
his forehead and miming that Blix had gone completely gaga.
Blix's leaving card is
already being passed around the Pentagon and one or two of the comments
certainly reveal a slight hostility towards the retiring diplomat. "Sorry
you are leaving the UN, Hans. THAT'S IF YOU CAN FIND THE GODDAMN DOOR
TO YOUR OFFICE!" or "Hope you like your present, Hans, though
I expect you'll get a bigger one from your buddy Saddam."
Since he first went out
to Iraq with his Observer's Book of Weapons of Mass Destruction, Blix
found himself to be a target for both sides in the dispute. Republican
hawks felt that Blix was not doing his job properly because he failed
to exaggerate the threat posed by Saddam Hussein.
If they'd had their
way he would
have gone into the Baghdad marketplace urging
reporters to wear helmets and protective clothing before
they approached the fruit and vegetable stall. "Look
at this - a weapon of mass destruction cunningly disguised as a grapefruit.
Plus anthrax cluster
bombs in the shape of bananas.
And look at these blackcurrants; if thrown at someone with sufficient
force these could ruin a perfectly good white shirt."
Meanwhile the Iraqi government
said that Blix was "a homosexual who went to Washington every two
weeks to receive his instructions". This is of course completely
untrue. His office was in New York. Blix says that he used to laugh
off all these various smears when he told his wife about them, but constant
attacks can get to you eventually.
"Darling did you
find the TV remote control?" "LISTEN, I HAVEN'T FOUND IT YET,
ALL RIGHT!" he snapped. "IT'S NOT UNDER THE SOFA CUSHIONS
OR BEHIND THE TELLY. I THINK IT MAY HAVE BEEN
DESTROYED OR BURIED IN THE DESERT SOMEWHERE."
With only a few weeks
before he steps down, the U.N. has just set up a committee to organise
Blix's leaving party and they are expected to publish a preliminary
500,000-word feasibility study in 2009.
Bush
is looking forward to Blix's retirement because
he was planning to combine the event with a surprise leaving party for
the rest of the UN staff as well. "Leaving party? I
didn't know we were leaving?"
"That's
the surprise!" says Bush. For 2003 is the year that the U.N. died.
The most revealing thing about Blix's interview is
his assertion that the Bush administration saw the U.N. as an alien
power.
There is no place for
the U.N. in Dubya's new world order and henceforth
it will be bypassed or disregarded.
[TVOTW
Insert - This fact was brought into stark reality just two months later
on 19th August 2003 when the CIA planted a giant truck bomb outside
the U.N. headquarters in Baghdad and
assassinated the U.N. Special Envoy Sergio Vieira De Mello and 21 other
U.N. personnel.
Palestinian
Mazen Dana a Reuters television cameraman was also assassinated the
very same day outside Abu Ghraib prison by Bush soldiers after he had
obtained permission to film there. He
was shot dead point-blank in broad daylight at a distance of just 30metres.]
To get a sense of the
crisis you only have to look at the last debate in that famous chamber:
Motion 762/a - "Is the United Nations
being ignored?"
Well what does the American
representative have to say about this? "Er,
he's not here Mr Chair, he said he had some shopping to do."
"Oh.
All right, what about
the British delegate?" "Er, well
he's not here either, I think he's carrying the shopping..."
The last few remaining
delegates never heard any of this anyway; they
were trying to surpass their Snake high scores on their mobile phones.
With the U.N. being
ignored to death,
Dubya's secret plan will have worked and the organisation will be formally
wound up.
Hundreds of unemployed
translators will be cast on to the streets of New York, saying: "Excuse
me, can you spare some change please? Excusez-moi, avez -vous de la
monnaie? Scusi, posso avere dei soldi per favore? "
And brash posters will
be slapped all over the historic building that offered the world so
much hope in 1945.
"UN-
Closing Down Sale!
Everything
must go!
International
law, global security and US accountability!
We've
gone crazy! Third world aid - slashed!
Development
programmes, going fast!
Hurry,
hurry, hurry! It's the biggest sell-out in history!"
FROM: http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,976514,00.html
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