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FROM:
http://showbiz.peacefmonline.com/news/201101/130228.php
27
JAN 2011
WHY
DO MEN FIND IT SO HARD TO VALIDATE WOMEN?
In
a recent posting I identified a list of the wrong things to say to someone
who is upset. Interestingly, this led to a lot of
comments on The Huffington Post, which got me thinking. The first thought
I had was, "Why do men find it so hard to
validate women?"
Before I
get into this, I'd like you to think about the research by psychologist
John Gottman. Gottman has been able to predict with 91 percent accuracy
which couples will end up getting divorced. He calls these "The Four
Horsemen of Apocalypse" -- along with other problematic styles of
communication. The Four Horsemen are Criticism ("You are always whining"),
Contempt ("You're a basket case"), Defensiveness ("I'm
not the problem, you are!") and Stonewalling (withdrawing or becoming
silent). Other problematic styles include starting the conversation in
a hostile or intense style, giving off body-language that is defensive
or cold, flooding your partner with negativity,
and bringing up past memories, complaints and injuries. When
you can predict divorce with 91 percent accuracy you know you are on to
something.
Now I don't
want to claim that men are always the problem -- or that they are even
more likely to be the problem than women are. No
group is innocent, no group is perfect.
But I can see that a lot of times men have a
great deal of difficulty validating and emotionally supporting the women
in their lives. Here are some reasons.
The Seven
Reasons Men Don't Listen
1. It's
a Power
Struggle.
Some men view intimate relationships as a win-lose game. If the woman
is venting her feelings, then she is winning and the man is losing. As
a result these men may try to dominate and control the woman, telling
her that she is illogical, out of control or just a pain to deal with.
One man says, "You want us to be doormats."
2. Sarcasm
Many men describe their interactions in terms of "sarcastic"
comments -- put-downs, contempt, criticism and condescension. For example,
some men respond with, "It must be that time of the month" or
"Get me a beer" or other problematic and self-defeating comments.
They think that sarcasm will get the woman to either shut up or help her
see that she is being ridiculous. She gets the message that he not only
doesn't care -- but that he is the last person to ask for support. He
thinks he's clever and funny -- and she thinks he just doesn't get it.
3. Macho
Thinking
A number of men comment that to validate or to use emotional language
to support the woman is unmanly. "You are trying to make us into
wusses," a number of men say. They believe that the role of the man
is to be strong, above it, domineering. Validating and allowing emotional
ventilation is for feminized men, men who have lost their dignity as "real
men." The women may think that some of the
macho confidence is appealing, until it leads them to feel that the only
emotion they can get from him is his anger.
4. Emotional
Dysregulation
Some men find it so upsetting, so emotionally arousing to listen to their
partners that they feel they have to ventilate their anger or withdraw.
In fact, this is supported by the research that shows that their pulse-rates
escalate during conflict and they find this unbearable. As a result of
their own escalating emotion -- which they can't tolerate -- they either
try to get her to shut up -- or they leave the room. She feels controlled,
marginalized and abandoned.
5. Not
Wanting to Reinforce Whining
This is another reason that men give for not supporting or encouraging
expression. They believe that validating and making time and space for
their partner's expression will reinforce complaining which, in turn,
will go on indefinitely. So they want to stop it immediately by using
sarcasm, control or stonewalling. She feels that he won't let her talk,
that he is cold, aloof, hostile. So she goes somewhere else to get that
support -- another woman friend -- or another man.
6. Demand
for Rationality
Some men believe that their partner should always be rational and that
irrationality cannot be tolerated. Their response to their partner's apparent
irrationality is to point out every error in her thinking, dismiss her,
become sarcastic or withdraw. This demand for rationality or "the
facts" might sound "mature" but I have yet to hear someone
say that they have a great sex life because they have the facts on their
side. Communication is often more about soothing, grooming, connecting
-- less about simply giving you the information and being logical.
7. Problems
Have to Be Solved
These men think that the main reason for communication is to share facts
that then can be used for problem-solving. They think that venting and
sharing feelings gets you nowhere and that if their partner is not willing
to initiate problem-solving then she is being self-indulgent and wasting
everyone's time and energy. When he jumps in with problem-solving, she
either escalates the emotion which she believes is not heard, or she withdraws.
Well, ask
yourself, "Have these responses really worked?" Why is this
kind of behavior and thinking so predictive of divorce? If it's not working
-- and you and your partner both know it's not -- then maybe it's time
to think about making a change. You can change your partner -- break up,
get divorced. Or, perhaps it would be easier to change your response to
your partner. In a previous posting I listed some possible responses.
Let me go
back to a fundamental part of intimate relationships. We want to feel
that our partner cares about and respects our feelings. We want to believe
that they have time to listen. We want to feel supported, soothed and
that we are not a burden. The seven beliefs and styles above -- which
many men use -- only alienate the women that they claim they love. If
it's not working, why would you continue to act this way?
The answer
may be that some men view relationships in terms of power and control.
They believe that being real men means never giving up your power. They
think that women need to be kept in their place, not "indulged,"
taught how to think rationally and solve real problems. Of course, rationality
and problem-solving are important, but if your partner wants to be heard
and respected you better find out first before you jump in and take control.
Real men share power, real men are partners,
real men know that real women need real respect.
FROM:
http://showbiz.peacefmonline.com/news/201101/130228.php
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